As anyone who works in a charity will know,
It’s hard raising money when no-one has dough.
Finding new ways, to bring in the cash,
is not simple and can’t be done in a dash.

They care for sick children at Derian House,
and their flaming costs are tricky to douse.
The fundraisers there have toiled twenty years,
they’re truly the most hard-working of dears!

For their 20^th anniversary they needed a strap line,
so the creative heads pondered over a glass of wine.
As with marriage that means it’s their China,
so “Tea Party” theme couldn’t be finer.

The last Sunday in April starts with “Tea in the Park” see,
they’ll attempt a world record for the largest cream tea.
In May you can join their “Starlight Stroll”,
to come and support can just be your role.

Also in May is “Forget Me Not Lunch”,
and the ladies who go are a fabulous bunch.
Later that month is the “Great Manchester Run”,
so break out your joggers and join in the fun.

The first Sunday in June is the “Pennine 10k”,
it’ll help you keep fit and pass proceeds their way.
On the 15^th of June is the “Hemsley House Dinner”,
so book in right now for this annual winner.

The last weekend in June is “Fylde Vintage Fair”,
at Wharles near Kirkham and they’ve got tractors there!
On the 20^th of July there’s a “Dragon Boat Race,
it’s at Preston Docks so please show your face.

Also that weekend’s the “Great Manchester Swim”,
book in to take part, it’s a change from the gym.
21^st September sees a “Mad Hatters Ball”,
It’s at Barton Grange but give Derian a call.

First Sunday in November at Astley Park Chorley,
a great “Christmas Festival”, that you’ll support surely?
With all these events for the 20^th year,
please give support and forgo some beer.

Place these dates now into your diary,
phone Derian today if you have an enquiry.
You know they needs funds at Derian House,
so share this on Facebook, (both you and your spouse).

————————- POEM ENDS ————————–

Installers of telephone systems, Abbey Telecom (also 20 years old) are pleased to be supporting Derian House by writing this poem and producing this video.

Firstly, it’s important to understand that the highest value @addresses are those who have a large band of followers themselves. If these guys ReTweet your message then it will be viewable by many. So if you do use tweets for dissemination of marketing messages it is critical to remain engaged with the “big guys”.

As the quantity of your contacts grows you will hit a ceiling that forbids you from following any more people. This first kicks in when you follow 2001 and disallows you from expanding until you yourself have accrued 1820 followers. Subsequently there is a 10% threshold on the ratio of one to another.

This means that anyone trying to grow their account needs to cull those who don’t reciprocate. So it isn’t that they aren’t interested in what you have to say. You are inadvertently impeding their development and they have to sack you off in order to develop!

The biggest losers of this are such as the newspapers. Their links aren’t seen by as many because the largest influencers are flushing them out due to necessity. An additional hurdle is that of how many new follows you can initiate in a 24 hour period. The perceived wisdom states that you should limit additions to 200 per day to avoid blocking.

The regeneration teams that promote our region work tirelessly to position our location as a well connected hub but the truth is that we are located over 200 miles from the principle market. They would be more effective by highlighting our true asset, our workforce!

History confirms that the folk of the Pennine county have an enviable reputation as being diligent workers that lack the militancy of  other counties. They’re generally acknowledged as the friendliest bunch in Britain.

Following the demise of the cotton industry we’ve been very adept at metamorphosing into a multitude of innovative verticals aside from that of telephone systems. I ask, who would have guessed that we would grow into world class aerospace manufacturers? I’m not solely referring to Bae but the many supportive suppliers that have blossomed.

More recently a plethora of specialists have cultivated enterprises that ship everywhere. Take Glasdon of Blackpool who produce such as litter bins and shelters bought around the globe. Or Fisherman’s Friend of Fleetwood who similarly export. Or Renown Gears who deliver precision engineered gearbox components. Or Graham & Brown the major wallpaper firm. What these guys have in common is access to superb personnel and properly functioning telephone systems.

The service sector has also flourished as the internet has removed some of the sales barriers. Whilst the locals earn the wages the distant purchasers pay the bills. You just need three primary ingredients; expertise within your field, a website and to be professional on the phone. As a telephone systems installer, we are not alone in doing the majority of our turnover in the South East.

Economists seem to concur that when growth is lagging that long-term infrastructure reaps dividends. The rationale states that for every pound expended a considerable proportion returns to the treasury via taxation and the efficiencies help commerce for decades.

For Abbey Telecom’s part, we are unlikely to become big train users overnight. Our engineers have to arrive equipped with tools, cable and spare parts in order to fix telephone systems. But we still welcome the intention as it should alleviate traffic from our motorways, that have lacked expansion over the last half century.

The green lobby has managed to convince successive governments that cars must be phased out through road choking and commercial planning restrictions. It’s ludicrous that buildings like Blackburn Enterprise Centre were built with inadequate parking spaces on the assumption that people will use the bus! The sooner that politicians awake to the fact that we are a nation that favours independent transport the faster UK PLC will be competitive. Good communication links are essential to businesses.

She was gushing with excitement that she might re-meet the engineer that had satisfied her every need on that memorable afternoon last year with her previous employer. A telephone systems fault had been her fantasy since that incident and her dream came true that Wednesday at 10 am. She’d tried to rinse those thoughts from her mind as she knew that she shouldn’t have them but resistance was futile. Her yearning for a fresh encounter was stronger than any feeling that she’d experience before. Such was the grip on her desires!

She eagerly adjusted her appearance whilst hogging the ladies room. She retouched her Mabelline-d lashes and fragranced her torso with CHANEL. The GUCCI outfit ran perfectly over her slender shoulders. Her attitude was positively willing the repairer along. After 3 hours of expectations she couldn’t help phoning to confirm his E.T.A.. But they weren’t forthcoming and could offer no estimate as to when he’d roll-up. The anticipation was killing her but her thirst was unquenchable.

Finally the doorbell rang late on  the following morning. She leapt to her feet and rushed to greet him. She was shocked to the core as she opened the door.

His hair was windswept and he had the look of a rocker. Although he was different she took solace in his masculinity as she  deployed her wiles and charms. His manly face was chiselled and solemn so she smiled to inspire his reaction. For a moment she thought she spotted a missing tooth but then convinced herself that her mind was deceiving her.

Then she glimpsed the spider’s web tattoo on his neck. She hurriedly reprogrammed herself for a bit of rough. Just as well because when his hand stretched forward for a shake it bore the word hate across the knuckle. It was uneasy but she was determined to maximise the opportunity. But it was like saying, “I won’t go to the Take That Concert tonight, I’ll get my Dad to sing, he’s a man!”

As they moved closer it became obvious that she’d seen more attractive gravel rashes. Not only was he untimely but his shirt was tighter round his belly than Vanessa Mae’s G-string. His aroma was more … well, musky than musk. He posessed all of the raw appeal of a salivating Saint Bernard dog. He could bust a mirror at a hundred metres. Sure he wore the logo of an international telecoms firm but it was akin to putting a Agent Provocateur thong on Mrs Merton.

Having huffed and puffed for 20 minutes he eventually said that he’d come on Friday to complete the repair. “Don’t bother”, she shrieked, “We’ll use Abbey Telecom’s dependable hunks to maintain our telephone systems before then!” She was guaranteed that they would stretch that extra mile to please her!

Telephone Systems Engineer

Here I will suggest another response that harnesses the essence of the intended spirit in a non destructive way.

Our telephone systems installation company has been deploying this successfully for several years now. I truly believe that there are more winners than losers by utilising this alternate strategy. I don’t claim to be the author of this solution but I love to help promote it. I’d like to request that you do the same by FaceBook liking and Twitter re-tweeting this short article.

We at Abbey Telecom, respond to each sender of a card by email. We both thank them and inform that we will be substituting the standard reciprocation with a donation to an extremely worthy charity.

It is a moral injustice that North West Air Ambulance should have to secure 100% of it’s funding from charitable means but it is a fact. By gifting to them I am confident that we embrace the goodwill intention of the greeting via a more practical method and simultaneously alleviate the congestion of the post.

The air ambulances touch many peoples’ lives and most of us will either know a service user or have indirect exposure to this life saving essential transport for the injured. They don’t just attend rural incidents but even the most common of road traffic accidents.

Lynda Brislin

One of the key champions of fundraising for the cause is Lynda Brislin (pictured right). I first saw her in action when she spoke to members of Lytham Round Table. She is a woman of true passion who works tirelessly to raise finance for the organisation. I urge you to join our telephone systems crew in adding to their revenues.

I welcome your comments to this blog.

From my experience I think that Tablers have far better all round personalities than those who miss out on membership. The group is fundamentally a bunch of like minded individuals who get together for; fun, fellowship and fund raising. But it’s fantastic for developing interpersonal skills as each member is encouraged to play an active part in running the show. I’ve seen some shy chaps blossom in their positions of leadership and I regularly commend it to youngsters.

The RTBI rondell gets everywhere. Never was I so shocked as to see it at the summit of Ben Nevis last week.

Zoom in to see RT Logo

The reach is not however limited to the UK. Many have embraced the international aspect and as a result visited other countries for the first time with their buddies. This is because numbered Tables twin themselves with those abroad of similar numbers. I never been but apparently this is very good exercise for your liver!

Then there is the charitable element. It’s rewarding to be directly involved in supporting worthy causes but the key factor is that you personally witness the eyes of the beneficiaries. It makes your efforts feel worthwhile and beats the Just Giving thing hands down.

My advice is don’t leave it too late. 45 is the age at which you are kicked out to 41 Club and you can’t join that unless you’ve previously been a Tabler. My objective now is to encourage those eligible in our telephone systems firm to meets some other guys and enhance their lives!

Diamond Service

It was him! The telephone systems installer! His appearance was of Ewan McGregor class. From the diamond glint in his eye she was guaranteed that he had experience. It was akin to all of her Diet Coke breaks arriving simultaneously.

His Colgate smile touched her heart immediately. The warm smell of G U C C I Sport aftershave drifted towards her as she shook his manicured hand and prepared for his entry. His gentle touch was the feel of a LA PERLA silk slip. Yet it was strong and as reassuring as HUNTER wellies.

His toolbox was impressive and of Snap-on proportions! She had no doubt that he was superbly equipped and her whole body relaxed with confidence. It was undisputable that he would be able to fulfil her needs in entirety.

Tooled-up!

When she mentioned an extension he reassured her by saying that she could have it anywhere that she wanted. This was bliss and was going to be so much better than her previous encounters. More similar to a Carlsberg fellow of sorts but with a twist of Heineken. She was sure that he would refresh the parts that lesser men wouldn’t reach!

His demeanour was attentive and he listened carefully to her every word. Then, attentively, he sprung into action as if he was a finely tuned Lamborghini. Muscular and powerful, like the performance car.

His manners were impeccable which was precisely how she liked it. It was reminiscent of flying with Emirates and she savoured the moment. She became flushed in his presence and exited at the satisfaction that she was about to enjoy.

His focus was unparalleled and he knew exactly what buttons to press.  He was not just any telecoms technician, he was one of Abbey Telecom’s finest. She was so glad that she’d picked www.AbbeyTele.com for her telephone systems and yearned for a subsequent encounter. To be continued …… (please leave a comment to encourage part II)

Handsome Engineers!

Both ISDN2e and ISDN30e used to take 20 working days from date of order but are now 6 and 8 weeks respectively. Businesses were never happy waiting a month for their telephone systems so worsening the wait to 2 months will not please.

You can write to; The Chairman’s Office, BT-PLC, 81 Newgate Street, London, EC1A 7AJ but they are likely to deflect you by pointing out that their contract to supply is not with you. They will suggest that you raise your issue with the telephone systems reseller you chose. If you fail to win satisfaction immediately all is not lost. Telecoms firms are required to offer an ombudsmen service for when disputes remain unresolved.

Because OFCOM have insisted upon vendors offering formal complaints procedures they have cleverly sidestepped any need for themselves to be involved. The old British Telecom has avoided complainants by pushing out end users to the new distribution channel of resellers.

In summary we all know who is causing the delay but you can’t speak to them as they have no contractual obligation with you. Many will say that this is madness but the world of telephone systems comprehends how this came about. When OFTEL was formed they only regulated BT and how unfair is that? They were akin to boxers fighting with their hands tied behind their back. The shrewd thing to do was disperse the agro and retain profitable divisions. They aren’t stupid!

You see, I’m passionate about phone systems for a reason (I’ll reveal further on). In contrast our loyal customers only demonstrate passion when their telecoms equipment fails them. At Abbey Telecom we’ve always understood this and focussed on ideally positioning ourselves to cure faults considerably quicker than our competitors are able to. In our case this is simply down to one key building block and that is a 20 year effort to accrue ample monetary funding to deal with the unexpected.

Money can’t buy you love but it will make life easier when obstacles present themselves. One can’t predict random challenges especially in a technical field such as telecommunications. It is possible however to invest in healthy stocks of spares, training and diagnostic tackle.

Every industry has deplorable examples of those who only do the job half heartedly by copying elements of the true professionals and hiding behind that identity as imposters. “We maintain all makes of phone systems” is a classic example. It’s a blatant lie, how can they be all things to all men? They’d need a stockholding and staff development regime that would be unsustainable.

I’ve been lucky in that I have never been bitten by the car bug. In fact it breaks my heart to watch such depreciating assets losing value by the second. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for the Range Rover driving fraternity as they alleviate my own tax burden in their quest to look a million dollars. However, I do suffer the dreaded 2 wheel fever and I’m attempting to justify it to myself with the mitigation of tiny depreciation comparatives.

As a self acknowledged obsessive it is not sufficient to purely own a motorbike, it has to be special. I ride a 2.3 litre Rocket III Roadster but it has extensive engine modifications by the UK’s “anorak” of superchargers. I like Richard Albans as a person but it’s his unparalleled enthusiasm to tune vehicles to go faster that is truly magnetic. You can smell his fanatical demeanour when you enter his CNC laden workshop at TTS Performance in Silverstone. He is the number 1 forced induction nut and now my bike has been chosen as a finalist in the custom show at Triumph Live this weekend.

I did promise to uncover the rationale for my fascination with phone systems and it emanates from a previous genre of communications. Back in the late 70s citizens band radios were all the rage and in the absence of FaceBook and Twitter it was our social network. Dissatisfied with 4 watts output I opted for a kilowatt burner and 500 watt pre-amp all feeding a motorised cubicle quad antenna. International conversations were common and this sparked my fire to purchase my inaugural cellphone which weighed so much that it caused me a hernia. The rest is history. So I put it to you that it is an unbridled infatuation that gives market leaders the horsepower to outrun those less serious.

Meanwhile, regeneration specialists in the northerly provinces are extremely adept at promoting the region as an attractive location. In reality our links to the majority of consumers are abysmal unless by telephone. Preston is over 200 miles from Buckingham Palace. The hard working economic development personnel of Lancashire have finely tuned systems that push our other pluses, such as labour pool, motorway network and recreational resources. They have had terrific success in attracting inward investment in spite of our distance from the action!

Many businesspeople are fully aware of our geographical impediment and have seized distant selling as an opportunity to expand. If you are distributing health supplements from a farm building in the heart of the Ribble Valley (example:. Health Rack) then you have to think beyond the normal boundaries. Holiday tour operators have known this for years (e.g. Gold Medal Travel & Airtours). Working on the telephone is something that Northerners excel at. E-commerce systems are just an extension of mail order.

A significant percentage of Lancs enterprises tend to mask their internet side arms. Discounted pricing strategies work alongside traditional operations but it’s frequently secretive. Unnoticed big players include www.ElectricalDiscountUK.co.uk (Harry Garlick – Barnoldswick) and www.TelephoneSystemsDirect.co.uk (Abbey Telecom = Blackburn). I wrote this post as I’m attending a discussion on this subject tomorrow morning with Motionlab and I believe that there is potential for expansion.

To develop, a little up skilling and more of the same is required. I say this because the “black belts” in this contemporary marketing reside here. Our creative brains are awash with innovative ideas because they are regularly used. The key skill set to improve is probably telephone techniques as Barry states in the video below.