Tony Raynor's Blog

The thoughts and ramblings of a small business owner

Overwhelming Press Coverage


For some years I’ve always tried to make quirky news stories at work in the hope that they will go viral. I once succeeded in the mid 1990s with an advertising stunt on sheep. It got coverage on; BBC Regional News, BBC Radio 2 and a ton of newspapers. People still mention the coverage that it generated twenty years after the event.

It’s all part of a concerted effort to create awareness about Abbey Telecom without having to expend on costly things like telesales. As the boss of a small firm it’s my privilege to focus on the marketing of the firm and do something that I truly enjoy.

But when my wife penned a sarcastic eBay advert for my motorbike I was completely unprepared for how quickly it would go viral. Had I known that it would generate 25,000 views and multiple coverage in the press I would have put it on the firm’s eBay account instead of Alison’s personal one.

The advert read;

“If you’re seeking a motorcycle for gentle Sunday afternoon cruising, you’re in the wrong place. But if you welcome the thought of Jack Daniels on your Cornflakes then welcome to my E-bay auction.

My husband’s 300BHP monster cruiser is up for sale and I’m finally getting the lounge pimped with the proceeds! Hopefully it will sell to some area far from here so that we can eventually get the tarmac on our local roads repaired!

This ain’t no ordinary cruiser it’s a skid- Marks & Spenders version. The selfish git has spent several kitchens turning this into an overpowered drag sofa. The TTS supercharger, forged pistons, Triumph off road pipes, intercooler and Tuneboy software (circa £7,000) mean that this ridiculous beast can truly make your teeth curl. It is actually only 299 hp at the back wheel but that is more than enough to cure the most rigid of constipations.

The selfish spendaholic even tried to lure me onto the back by fitting Garmin satnav mountings and heated everything including clothing. As if you wouldn’t be sweating already under the acceleration of the 250 ft/lb torque! The behemoth is clad (circa £4500) with some huge handlebar fairing from some overcharging bandits in America called Corbin. The same kleptomaniacs sold him some oversized handbags for the rear which are internally carpeted. He calls them Beetle Bags but they are full of peculiar oil and underutilised junk that motorcyclists use once every time there is a Z in the month.

Not content with his overzealous spending spree he then sent it to some fancy spray shop called 8 Ball Custom Paint who relieved us of the price of a holiday on the Riviera. It looks nice but it’s not even Farrow and Ball.

Other useless Genuine Triumph trinkets include;

Armchair style touring seat
Adjustable rider backrest for the spineless
Passenger backrest to prevent anyone daft enough to get on the back from tumbling
Rack for carrying even more biker rubbish
Heated grips to burn your fingers
Engine dresser bars to lessen damage when it’s spits you off
Highway pegs & adjusting peg mounting kit to help you look like Peter Fonda

This supercharged & intercooled Rocket III Roadster comes with a free set of ear plugs in case that you want to retain your hearing. I would advise married men not to bother with these so as to quell the screams of their soon to be ex-wives. If you think that you are man enough message me and I will reply with the imbecile’s phone number so that you can speak endless drivel together. Good luck and happy bidding in this genuine sale.

Daily Express

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